


Evil is Such a Strong Word

by FlareWarrior



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Bond Villain Stupidity (subverted), Bored smart people, Charlie fucks up, Colorful Megalomaniac Harry Hart, Fluff, M/M, spy movie drugging, still a kingsman Eggsy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 16:59:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11166159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlareWarrior/pseuds/FlareWarrior
Summary: Harry Hart is an unstoppable force of villainy. Eggsy Unwin is an unstoppable force of good. They like each other more than is expected.





	Evil is Such a Strong Word

**Author's Note:**

  * For [esmerod](https://archiveofourown.org/users/esmerod/gifts).



> So I was kicking around on tumblr and found the old prompts from the 2016 Kingsman stocking stuffers and my hand just slipped. That is 100% my excuse. I have never written anything so fast.

Eggsy woke up strapped to an exam table, which did not bode well. He thanked whoever was responsible for these things that he was at least still wearing his suit. He tested the wrist restraints and found them thick and unyielding, same as the ankle ones. Fuck. Last he remembered he'd been sneaking into a refurbished old German castle in a quaint little town with no sign at all that the rich maniac inside knew he was there. Then what, he thought. He thought harder, and vaguely remembered a pinch at his neck. Drugged then, very much aware of his sneaking.

"Well well, sleeping beauty wakes. I do apologize for the accommodations, but you can never be too careful."

Eggsy tried to look at the person speaking, but found that his head, too, was strapped in place. As if sympathetic to his plight, the person stepped into view on his right, and that was his first real look at Harry Hart, the world's most unstoppable supervillain who never needed the 'super' part to be so formidable a foe that every spy agency in the world was gunning for him entirely without success.

"You're certainly not CIA." Harry began. He was dressed impeccably, a bespoke suit that, if Eggsy hadn't known better, he'd say had been made by Kingsman themselves, a solid slate gray with a red tie and a black shirt beneath. He looked normal, like he'd fit in at a charity gala, except for the sharp edge to his smile and the steely glint in his eyes.

Oh, he was also fuckin' gorgeous. Why no one had warned him about that, he had to wonder. Honey brown eyes set below chestnut hair, Harry's aging face was as much a masterpiece as Eggsy was well enough trained to see his body was beneath the layers of his clothes.

"Certainly not Beijing or Mossad. I might believe MI6, but none of them have as much taste in suits." He looked at Eggsy consideringly.

"Kingsman, then."

"What the fuck." Eggsy blurted. It probably wasn't that much of a surprise, him being the most sought-after target in the world, that he'd heard of even the most ultra-secret organizations. Still. _What the fuck_.

Harry looked both smug and surprised "Oh, they've taken quite the risk with you, haven't they."

"What are you on about?" Eggsy muttered "The fuck are you gonna do to me?"

"Leave you to die, I suppose." Harry replied "Unless you can give me a good reason not to."

"Fuck you." Eggsy managed, back on familiar ground. Like hell he'd give up Kingsman.

"Suit yourself." Harry replied, and disappeared from his line of sight again. Eggsy braced himself. He couldn't see much past the blinding surgery light over his face, compounded with the fact that he couldn't turn his head, but he could make out shining metal trays that he could only assume were meant for him. "In five minutes, I'll be a few thousand feet in the air and this room will be under water," Harry began, and Eggsy couldn't contain his relieved sigh "...are you...do you enjoy the thought of drowning?"

"Are you serious? Look how you've got me trussed up." Eggsy pulled at his restraints for emphasis "In a fuckin' operating room, even. I thought you was gonna have someone come in and play this out like the end of Braveheart. Drownin' ain't my favorite, but at least it's quick."

He realized a second later that he probably shouldn't have been giving Harry any ideas, but rather than respond he heard water start running somewhere. Harry re-entered his line of sight as he made for the door, and spared him a glance just before he left. He looked somewhat concerned.

"Five minutes, Eggsy."

He shut the door before Eggsy could ask just how the hell Harry Hart knew his name. After that he was alone with the bright lights and the threatening sound of gushing water. Alright, five minutes. He took a deep breath - and felt his gun press into his ribs.

What the fuck, he thought yet again. They didn't confiscate anything.

So of course he flooded the corridor five minutes and fourteen seconds later, but sure enough the compound was deserted and Harry long gone. He tried not to think it was a shame.

  
The strange thing was they never knew definitively which diabolical schemes were Harry's. The man changed his MO so often it was terrifying, and eventually any job that was just too meticulous, running too smoothly or too brilliantly got a stamp of 'use extreme caution, HH'. Every Kingsman got one every six months or so, and it usually wasn't Harry. Of course, it was Eggsy that got the one that was.

He was so severely and unexpectedly outgunned that they actually managed to drag him into a dingy, poorly-lit dungeon without knocking him out, and he knew damn well who was waiting there as they pinned him yet again to a flat table. He was surprised when they barely tightened the straps at all before sinking away into the walls like cockroaches and letting Harry Hart stroll over to him.

"How lovely to see you again, Eggsy. I take it you survived drowning?"

Eggsy splayed his hands in a 'no shit' gesture, and Harry chuckled. He started tightening the straps, starting at Eggsy's left wrist, almost like it was just something to do to keep himself busy. He had to hover close to do this, and Eggsy figured he may as well drink Harry in while he waited for an opportunity to escape.

"I'm surprised it took this long for you to come. Are there really so many greater threats for Kingsman to send their best agent on?"

"I ain't their best agent." Eggsy protested weakly "I get a lot of boring missions."

"When you're panning for gold you tend to see all the rocks a river has to offer." Harry replied, and at Eggsy's blank look elaborated "I've been fishing in your Kingsman, and if the sample of agents I have seen in these past few months is anything to go by, you are by far their crowning achievement."

"Fishing." Eggsy replied, not even bothering to watching as Harry moved to his feet to work on those cuffs. His fingers brushed against Eggsy's ankle and he shivered. "How? You ain't done anything in months."

"On the contrary, I've started over ten operations with the specific purpose of drawing you out."

Eggsy blinked at the ceiling and wondered how this had become his life. "Why."

Harry came up on his right and smirked at him "Maybe I don't like leaving my work unfinished." Eggsy almost jumped out of his skin when a firm hand landed on his thigh.

Well, this was new, he reflected. One, he could scarcely believe that a megalomaniac could be this attractive, two, he normally wasn't into bondage but it was suddenly working really well for him, and three, was this maniac really hitting on someone he'd already tied up?

"Or maybe I just appreciate the way you look flushed and tied down."

Harry leaned down to speak into his ear, and Eggsy had to squeeze his eyes shut to keep from whining at how goddamn good he smelled. Smooth sandalwood and sharp gunpowder, plus whatever the hell he smelled like underneath. A few neurons fired off a thought that he was right fucked up for getting sprung for the most competent and diabolical enemy he'd ever faced just because he tied Eggsy up and smelled good and was gorgeous and brilliant.

Clearly that thought died almost immediately.

"If you came to my side." Harry murmured, sending another, much more obvious shiver down Eggsy's spine "I would never waste your talent the way Kingsman does."

"Jesus Christ." Eggsy muttered, grasping for purchase on reality "Fuck you." he managed, without a hint of bite as it was more a reflex than a statement.

Harry straightened up anyway and acted like nothing had happened.

"Suit yourself."

Eggsy later realized that Harry had never tightened the strap on his right wrist.

  
The next time, Eggsy was smart. Well, he was always smart, but he really tried to apply it this time. Like, Amelia was in his ear making generally awed sounds smart. He hacked the compound's mainframe, tapping all Kingsman had to offer so he wouldn't leave any traces when he found out the camera and alarm setups. He used every gymnastic move he knew to avoid lasers and security and sneak in completely unnoticed, to the point where he thought he could hear Arthur somewhere near his handler making grudgingly impressed comments.

And that felt damn good, showing the posh snobs he worked for that he was a fucking master of his job, but that wasn't why he was doing it really. Harry Hart thought he was one of the best - if not _the_ best - that Kingsman had to offer, but he'd never even gone all out on one of Harry's plots.

This time it certainly wasn't a half-assed ploy to lure him in, he could tell, though Kingsman had been skeptical. This was one of Harry's masterpieces, his Moonraker. From what little Eggsy had been able to gather, he had enough firepower stocked up to level a hemisphere and bought up enough stock in Russian rocketry to send it anywhere he damn well pleased.

This put together made it all the more satisfying when he walked into Harry's office like it was actually his own, gun out and fighting a grin, and watched Harry's expression change from surprise to wonder.

"Very _good_ , Eggsy."

Unconcerned for the gun Eggsy had in his face, Harry stood and came around his desk, unbuttoning his cuff links as he did.

"Now, let's see how you do in a real fight."

That was when Eggsy learned that it wasn't just Harry's mind that was sharp and dangerous. They fucking demolished his office and half the hallway with more firepower than two individuals in a one-on-one fight should ever have need of or access to, Harry grinning madly all the while, and Eggsy a bit afraid he was too.

Of course, he still ended up in a little room strung up to the ceiling while a big ax swung like a pendulum towards his skull and the compound self-destructed, but it was bloody brilliant getting there. He was out of the restraints in seconds this time. He spotted a camera and mouthed ' _really?_ ' at it, holding up the standard issue police cuffs on one finger. He could get out of anything, and Harry chose police cuffs?

Then an automated voice announced the one minute mark and he cursed. The door to the room was thick steel, a vault lock standing between him and the outside. Eggsy might have been able to crack it, but it was at least a fifty second sprint to the nearest exit and Eggsy wasn't _that_ good. But it was worth a shot.

He bolted to the door, set a hand on it to get to work - and stilled as it crept open under the light pressure.

"Harry," he said, almost laughing "If I didn't know better, I'd say you liked me."

On a plane already miles above the compound, Harry grinned and watched Eggsy race from the building.

Eggsy found he even had enough time to jam Harry's launch signal while he was at it.

  
When Eggsy kept taking the Harry missions and kept coming back alive, he became known as the official Hart police. If even a whiff of Harry surfaced it was Eggsy's job to investigate. Half of the time it wasn't even him, thus his new title netted him the most exciting jobs the world over. But half the time it was Harry, and every so often Eggsy started to win, but invariably he ended up tied to something and left to die like it was the sixties and the concepts of double tap and check the body hadn't been invented yet.

Harry kept putting his bases in beautiful parts of the world and scheming there on the best months for the weather in that particular area. He was insanely extravagant and had probably spent more than all of Europe's GDP a few times over on his schemes in the last year alone, but Eggsy could appreciate his flare.

Eventually Eggsy found an old file in the Kingsman archives that made him crash into Arthur's office, who blew him off, and then on down the line until Percival took one look at it and sighed.

"He got kicked out."

Eggsy balked.

"We had _Harry bloody Hart_ , owner of a moon base, in our ranks and we _kicked him out_?!"

"Well, he didn't have a moon base then." Percival hedged. When Eggsy only continued to gape, he sighed again "Arthur gave him almost as much shit as he does you. You can see he's not like the rest of us."

"Yeah, he's fuckin' brilliant." Eggsy said, and winced at how revealing it was. Percival chose to ignore it.

"Yes, well. It wasn't one of our brighter moves. To shorten a long story, he made a mistake and Arthur spun it well enough that he was voted out. We were particularly unhappy when our best technician went with him."

"Fuck." Eggsy glanced at the smiling ball of sunshine in the old profile photo "Can you imagine what it would have been like to have him on our side?"

"I don't have to." Percival replied with more gravity than Eggsy expected, and walked away to leave Eggsy blinking after him.

Then, ten months after their first encounter everything went to hell in Hawaii.

  
Harry sat in his office after barely managing to coral Eggsy into his contraption of choice today - a lovely archaic thing, all wiry wrought iron that was quite terrifying to look at but harmless in practice - and sipped bourbon with Merlin while he waited for Eggsy to do what he did best and break out.

"Harry, I have to wonder if your little hobby here is such a good idea." Merlin said eventually.

Harry scoffed "Merlin, I have a moon base. Playing with a spy is the only way I can relieve my boredom."

"I think you just like him."

"He is very lovely." Harry agreed.

"He's practically you, you narcissistic bastard."

Harry chuckled and watched the monitor as the room caught fire on cue.

"He's a bit sluggish today, don't you think?" Merlin asked. Eggsy was still struggling with his chair, which was odd because a little coordination should have had him out in less than a minute. It usually would have.

"I gave him twice the normal amount of sedatives." Charlie piped up from where he was guarding the door "He won't be getting out this time."

Charlie was very new to his service.

"You did what?"

Eggsy took that moment to break free, and Harry sighed with relief. Even so he seemed to be struggling to reach the door, and Harry gripped the arms of his chair harder with every second that passed. Eggsy fumbled with the lock for far too long, so long that Harry was counting down the seconds until he inevitably fainted from the smoke, and he realized it was _actually locked_.

"See?" Charlie crowed, and Merlin shot him a look that said he was in very big trouble. Eggsy, because he was as brilliant as Harry had been, got the door open anyway, and Harry felt a smug sort of pride when Charlie cursed. As if Charlie could best Eggsy. _Harry_ sometimes had trouble besting Eggsy.

"Merlin, send word to ready the helicopter." Harry said, relaxing his white-knuckle grip on his chair to stand while Merlin sighed and tapped away at his tablet "The mission will run autonomously to completion from here on."

"Should I disable the self-destruct mechanism?" Charlie asked, and Harry looked at him innocently.

"Whatever for? Surely Eggsy won't find this control room _and_ know the password."

Alright, so he might as well have been holding up a radio to Eggsy's window making the password his birthday, but it wasn't certain he'd get desperate and try it. He'd have an hour, after all, and wasn't everyone's first desperate guess their birthday?

In all honesty, he didn't want this plan to succeed. He was just bored and had an idea and he wanted to see how far he could get with it. This one would result in at least a few million deaths, minimum, and Eggsy had just worked into his scheme to cure the monotony of his life.

Eggsy, who was still struggling to walk.

"For god's sake, Charlie, _what_ did you give him double the normal amount of?"

"Rohypnol. Can't build up a tolerance to that." Charlie puffed up like he was proud.

"You _roofied_ Harry's boy?" Merlin said before Harry had the chance to blink the red out of his vision.

"Sorry, what?" Charlie blinked.

On the screen, the fire was spreading out of the room and catching half of the wing. Harry had disabled the sprinkler system there, fully prepared to sacrifice it to entertain Eggsy a bit, but now he sorely regretted doing so.

"Start the self-destruct sequence." Harry heard himself say distantly. Eggsy would be in no shape for games for hours, from the look of him, and the scheme was supposed to go live in less than one. At least he'd be smart and head for the nearest exit when the lights went red. "Now!" he barked when Charlie just blinked at him some more.

The lights did in fact go red, and Eggsy spared a glance at the security camera, one that told Harry he was going to have a tough time making this up to his spy, before pushing himself up from where he'd been resting against the wall and running down the hallway.

"You." Harry rounded on Charlie, only for Merlin to cut in.

" _Harry_."

Harry looked back at the screens and found that for some insane reason, Eggsy was running back towards the fire.

"What is he doing?"

"I think he's going back for your dog, sir." Charlie said "What an idiot, if we'd known this was all it took to get him killed-"

"Bloody buggering fuck." Harry interrupted "Who left Mr. Pickle behind? No, it doesn't matter - cancel self-destruct."

"What? Sir, we can't. You requested no override in this system after he managed to trip it in the last one."

"Fuck." he said again, ran a hand through his hair, and then bolted from the room.

"My god Harry, you ridiculous idiot, you love him." He heard Merlin say as he went.

Right on time the compound exploded.

  
Eggsy woke, feeling the kind of sluggish that came after an explosion knocked his brain into his skull a bit too hard. Distantly he could hear a fire blazing and wondered if he set it, but he was far more interested in keeping still and keeping his eyes closed so he could stay where he was. He was warm and comfortable, which usually meant safe, and every time he inhaled he caught the smell of sandalwood and gunpowder and skin, which was a combination he _loved_ but couldn't place. After another moment, during which he shifted and nuzzled whatever smelled so good, he did manage to recognize it and snapped awake.

"You are far too good for this line of work, Eggsy." Harry said, swirling a glass of champagne in the hand that wasn't cradling Eggsy to his chest. Eggsy glanced at himself, curled up on Harry's lap like they were a pair of love-struck teenagers, him with his hands on Harry's shoulders in a poor attempt to either hold himself up or Harry away. Harry's glass and skin were dyed orange by - he spared a glance to the side - the light of the still-burning base, set far enough away from the swimming pool where Harry must have carried him to remain untouched. They were on a couch, of all things, because Harry liked nothing more than luxury so of course even his pool furniture was plush. Harry looked down at him while his brain was still trying to reboot and huffed.

"Relax, darling, you've won." Harry took another sip of his champagne "You've made me blow up my own base. I'm very disappointed. None of the other megalomaniacs will ever respect me once this gets out. Still, I must apologize for the business earlier. I'm afraid one of my men became overzealous trying to defeat you."

Slowly, Eggsy began to catch up "What? I can't have won. The last thing I remember was - is the dog alright?"

Harry whistled and a little terrier trotted over to the couch, wagging its tail all the while.

"I must thank you, Eggsy. I had no idea Mr. Pickle was even still in that wing."

" _Mr. Pickle_?"

The dog hopped up when it noticed that Eggsy was awake and scrambled gracelessly into his lap, yipping the raspy yip of little old dogs everywhere in excitement. Eggsy grinned and let go of Harry's shoulders to pet him.

"He's smarter than he is ferocious, and he knows you saved his life. He likes you a great deal now, I'm afraid."

"I don't know how I'll ever handle the strain." Eggsy laughed.

Then Harry was _right there_ , pressing their foreheads together, and Eggsy's laughter choked off.

"I like you a great deal as well, darling." he pressed a kiss to Eggsy's forehead and Eggsy's eyes blew impossibly wider. The dog gave another happy little yip and hopped away back to dog business, leaving Eggsy exactly where he was a minute before but terribly more confused.

"You wot, Harry." Eggsy managed. There was no way Harry was serious, Eggsy's life screamed as loud as his spy training. Harry was brilliant and perfect if a little mad and occasionally a supervillain. Sure, he hit on Eggsy almost constantly now, but that was just Harry, wasn't it?

Harry raised his eyebrows "I thought I'd made my desires quite clear."

"Yeah but I thought you was just -" Eggsy tried to hunch in on himself, but all that accomplished was to wedge him further into Harry "Tryin' to seduce me to your side. Evil like, you know? A game."

"I play many games, Eggsy, and sometimes I play them with you, but this was never one of them."

Harry set aside his champagne and used his free hand to tilt Eggsy's chin up, and while he probably ought to have protested all Eggsy could think when their lips met was _finally_.

It was short, and sweet, and it left Eggsy with half a mind to jump Harry right then and there on the couch, but he refrained out of some combination of shock and curiosity.

"I'm thinking of retiring in a few years." Harry murmured against his lips.

"You'll get bored in a week and be right back at it." Eggsy said without missing a beat.

"Then perhaps you can come keep me occupied. All in the line of duty, of course."

He dropped his hand to Eggsy's knee and slid his hand up his thigh slowly, so Eggsy threw caution to the wind and grinned.

"You really like doing that, yeah?"

"You seem to like it when I do."

"Well you've never tried to figure out what else I might like have you?"

And so, they _did_ have sex on the couch, and Harry had somehow made Eggsy into the world's unanimously recognized best spy, and no one questioned it when he visited Portugal once a week and foiled Harry Hart's plans with idle threats about sleeping in the guest room.


End file.
